I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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