I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
