I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
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