Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
