Small penises have feelings too.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
