I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
