Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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