omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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