I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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