hell yes lets make some ravioli
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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