it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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