Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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