life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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