I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
