Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
