Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
