My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
