well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
worst night to have a conscience
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
