Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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