I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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