Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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