I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
