Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
