she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
