i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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