Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
