I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
