The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
