It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
