i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
