I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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