Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
