I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
