I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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