I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
