My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
