I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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