About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
