remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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