we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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