you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
