So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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