What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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