3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
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My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP