omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
