Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
