I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
