I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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