My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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