I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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