So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
