yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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