3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm going to jail i love you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Come share oat with me in your robe
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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