I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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