Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
