She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
