he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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