yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
