What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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