Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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